there's this satisfying feeling or rather a calming effect that baking has on me. i never thought i'd actually enjoy being in the kitchen. it's the scene where i truthfully would rather not step into before i came to this field of corns. i remember vaguely though, how determined my aunt was pushing me to try baking. she bakes on a daily basis and that her victorian sandwich cake is just exceptionally mouthwatering. she even turned the uhm... weird taste of fruit cake, which i abhor at the sight of it, into a fairly chewable food. what is it with people and fruit cake? and who would've thought that her victorian sandwich cake, which is to date my favorite cake, is now my very own signature bake.
it's been a rough day. woke up to the ringing of my mobile phone and nah, couldn't ignore this call. talked to daddy and well, life is... as i remember, i've always been this tough kid who barely knows the definition of teardrops. i'd be the one to comfort my friends, or most of the time acquaintances who needed a shoulder to cry on. i've been told that i'm a good listener and that my judgments are not clouded by unjustified expectations. being a realist helps snap you back into reality quicker than being an optimist. i shed a bucket of tears. has it made me weak? weaker than i normally have been. i'd like to believe no. at least this struggle of being alone to juggle the emotional balance is a worthwhile experience. except that i didn't know i could cry that hard it hurts your brain. it leaves you with this headache which is an understatement to the real heartache.
i thought i heard the song i'll stand by you crawling behind my neck. then i remember how much of a waste it is to cry, but sometimes tears are the perfect clarification to the emotions that you've been bottling up inside. i could be such a chatterbox, but i know better than to voice out my innermost thorough thoughts. it sneaks out every now and then when i write. oh well. i must've looked awful when i went for brunch with amy and melanie. who cares? their company didn't really take my mind off things. i know there's a silver lining to this, but how do i assure the other party? how do we convince people? how do we steer the already perceived judgment, which is engraved there and then no matter how much you've become a fairly thought-of person. ah. the disparity is out of reach.
a penny for my thoughts, oh no, i'll sell 'em for a dollar.
they're worth so much more after i'm a goner.
- the band perry
